[Character post: Gretchen/Donovan] Unburden

There’s a certain kind of comfort to it, knowing that you’re not alone. Not in the same sense that no one really is — it isn’t like that when the voices in your head really did belong to someone else, once upon a time. I wonder about the neuroscience of it… Has having him here re-shaped who I might have been? Did it predetermine certain paths that might have formed differently, otherwise?

There’s a definite disconcertion to it, knowing that you’re borrowing neurons. Knowing that the only way you can connect with your own memories is to share them with the person whose mind you haunt. I’m more self-aware here, now, with her, than I have been in who knows how long… But what good is it doing either of us?

I don’t remember what it was like to be only Gretchen. Not to have the reassurance of another person inside my head. Perhaps that means I’ve failed at individuality. At being a single person. But the thought of that sort of isolation gives me chills.

Other hosts have come and gone. I have difficulty remembering them clearly: they passed like the weather, not significant enough to leave an imprint. Or perhaps it was that I was not significant enough. Attempting to manifest through an already-formed personality — possession — is more difficult than you might guess. But I’ve been here long enough that we’ve grown comfortable together.

Just a girl and her demon. What does that say about me? What does that say about him? But we’ve things to do…

…a needle in a haystack to find…

…and this meandering avails us nothing.

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~ by windigowinter on December 9, 2010.

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