Holiday spirit and all that jazz…

Never did quite get into it this year. Usually there’s a moment, somewhere along the way, where it all comes together, and there’s a mellow sense of being. A different sort of joy. I’m not sure if it was the addiction to running, or the fact that Learan worked it through, or a deficiency somewhere else. Made a thematic mix CD, did a metric butt-tonne of baking, saw the Clan… Didn’t even stop on the solstice — just moved right through. I hadn’t realized we’d neglected to put up lights until the Eve in question.

I suppose there’ve been things weighing, so there’s that.

What stands out is watching Scrooged with Learan, just snuggled up on the couch. Connection. Those are the moments.

The week in-between is traditionally a time for reflections, but I’m having difficulty committing myself to that. As though maybe there are some things I don’t really want to look at. Or simply too many things altogether. All right, granted. But go with it.

It’s been a year where the only thing constant is change. The uphill push, gaining ground. This time last year: fighting the do-not-destory tide of paperwork at Globex, sharing the day with other people’s ankle-biters, still waiting on Learan’s legitimacy, all around dissatisfaction. Sometimes it’s about finding satisfaction in where you are, what you’re doing. And sometimes it’s about the soul-deep understanding that motion is necessary: choose a direction and, when the gun sounds, run. Terrifying. But also gratifying.

Things learned:

  • Write always. Damming the flow creates stagnancy. Poetry is constantly growing up through the cracks, and it expresses things that cannot be expressed by any other means. Imposition of form on things that might otherwise become overwhelming.
  • Descent is not necessarily a balancing force. The shadow is only as useful as it is allowed to be.
  • Inability to maintain impossible standards is a self-fulfilling promise of failure. The failsafe mechanism needs to be placed in the setting of the standards; locating it in the aftermath is inefficient.
  • The safe havens are and always were internally constructed. Building them one way means they can be built again, in other forms. A million different shapes and colours. Why not?
  • There are a thousand thousand things more important than expectations. Burn your reliance on them to the ground and see what grows up in its place. Remember what a forest fire also means.
  • Finding what you’re meant to do is no insignificant matter. Along with deciding what you’re meant to be, it is the only thing that matters. And for these, there is no such thing as too late.

The resolution, if it can be said to be that, is to remember to commit these tangents to words. Reading them back reinforces something. Rewire to bypass the resistance — all it takes is precise knowledge of the ohms.

And also go clean the bathroom. Right.


~ by windigowinter on December 28, 2010.

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